glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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