Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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