I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
