It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did i walk over a car last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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