i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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