I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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