I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
