guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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