this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
