I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
