Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
As shirtless as possible
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
