mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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