We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
