Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
