No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
