Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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