dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
