Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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