just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
