My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
