Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
