Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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