I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
