she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
