I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
