we're blogging at a bar
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
