between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
