Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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