everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Randomize
