can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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