dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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