so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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