So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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