Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i have two assholes
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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