My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
ttyl tear gas
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
