I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
