Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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