I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Randomize
