Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
