I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
