why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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