You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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