Can i not drive my cunt home
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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