nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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