The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
false alarm. still invincible.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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