Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize