I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
