So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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