I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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