If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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