Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
