Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I wish there were birth control emojis
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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