I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
