If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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