I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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