Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
