remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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