Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
