if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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